The irony of art (for me)

I have a lot of paintings, particularly for someone who doesn't think he's painted all that much in the past few years, but I often get plagued by my inner thoughts. Wonder if the right 'judgmental hat' is going to see my work and say, "He's crap." Wonder if I have had too many styles in my lifetime.... or even wonder if someone is going to love what I've created and try to force me into the commercial world of art in a way I don't want to be forced. I imagine becoming the machine, pushing out art that all looks the same and everyone is happy but me. The cook with the cookie cutter.

Before we've 'made it', I guess many artist's wonder if they've got what it takes.... I wonder if I do. Wonder if I want IT. How do you get the art famous without the artist? Ah wishful thinking in a world that wants to glorify self. I remember that scene in "Pollock" when Ed Harris is at the gallery with his work in a hustling and bustling area and you can tell he just doesn't want to be there. I'm sure many if not most artists can relate. Let's face it, if we really were such social butterflies, would we have so many paintings???

This morning I was looking through "Art in America" magazine. May edition. Not being a big reader I was looking at all the pretty pictures and found such comfort in all the art in there. So much diversity. Tons of effort and labor in one painting and next to nothing (seemingly) in others. For the first time I found peace in my peers, which is unusual because often I've felt so inadequate compared to you. YES YOU! I have such respect and feel so honored to have this gift of being able to confidently create, even if I (at times) are less confident to present. I'd love the opportunity to stand by you as my comrades. May I stand by you?

I have this thing in my head sometimes that wonders if I've worked on my art enough. How can it be valuable if I've not toiled and sweated. I've pushed out this piece with a need, like pooping and now I have to stick a price on it? I'm also so attached to the work now, because it is of me, like a child. Birthed and nutured. (I thought I just said 'pooped!') It's instantly historical and related to me. I have to sell is now?? Are you kidding? I don't even know you!

As I continue to look through the magazine I realized I find sense in a painting that looks 'easier' to produce, (from a perspective of labor, not mental production) because my heart's desire is to learn to relax. Detailed works, however amazing, have to surpass toil for me, and very few do. I just get exhausted for the creator viewpoint ( and think  back to when I painted Valley of Rhyme) I'm at a place now where I need to see something less stressful. Mark Rothko.... ahhhhhhh.

It's amazing how important I'm finding the 'why' of a painting is over it's actual existence. Our words of explanation become as important as our work. Such an incredible phenomena, to the point that you could have a totally blank canvas in front of you and if explained, it as amazing worth to so many, and I see it INSTANTLY. I can't get over how insane our journey's are from a rational mind... and how crazy the market is to feed into the work's journey too. Have you seen some of the prices of this art in "Art in America!?" What a life... what a world... can't you see I'm IN LOVE!

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