Reality

Dreams are dreams, they're not what they seem.  Some are immpossible.  Some you can reach.  Some of them haunt you.  Some blow your mind.  And some fill you with thoughts unkind.  Is real what we're living?  Or only a stage.  A step thats been planned for the goal that's been made.  We take for granted all that we've known.  What if a dream world is all we've been shown?  This little statement may sovle a lot.  Is life too good to be true?  I think not.

Facing Fear

Greatest fear, oh so near.  There is no space.  It's in my face.  It stares me down.  Watching me drown, in my own suffering.  Greatest fear, oh so near.  So filled with shock.  I cannot block, the insanity taking over.  I'm falling, falling.  Fading, fading.  So close to death.  My one last breath.  Greatest fear, oh so near.

So it Be

I took a walk one day.  As far as I could go.  Away from streets and highways.  From cars, and lights, and stores.  I took a walk one day.  Til I could not hear nor see.  Any sign of civilization.  The life I'd been living.  Now it's me and earth and sky.  All three of us together.  There's no stopping me, living the life I've longed for.  Trees with gnarled trunks.  And their drooping branches.  Showing age old wisdom.  Known only to me.  The sky almost white w/ stars so bright.  Dancing their twinkling dance.  Shown only to me.  I'm filled with a peace and freedom.  I won't allow to cease.  This is the life I'm living. So it be.

Petals of Silver

Petals if silver.  Leaves of gold.  Buds anew.  And trees of old.  Irridescent moonlight painting a road.  Caressing a pathway to a place unknown.  The sweat of the sun spills onto the world in a great ultraviolet.  The stars are the tears of the moon that aren't cried yet.  The copper sun sweats.  But stars never fret.  Some may fall.  For when the moon despairs, it pours its cares on the stars and so heavy are they that they fall into petals of silver.

The Waiting Room

Pen clicking...clock ticking...eyes skitter frantically...stomach turning uneasily...hairs bristling...lips whistling...skin is tingling...voices mingling...people listening...kids are whispering...doors opening...people hoping their name is called...don't be appalled if it's not...body's shaking...no mistaking...seconds, minutes, hours go by...and everybody wonders why...it takes so long...are we so wrong...always waiting...I'm done containing myself in this living hell called the waiting room.

Bitter Tears, Silent Fears

Bitter droplets fall for the sake of a selfish soul.  I have failed to see the good.  My vision is blurred by the tears caressing my face giving evidence to the soothing illusion I have created for myself.  It is difficult to live on, everyday knowing who I am, who I'm not, who I can't be, who I'll never be.  Am I to believe I'm beautiful? I need to but how can I, no vestige of it exists.  Lost in sorrow, drowning in despair.  How can I be beautiful if beauty is not there? My heart aches for love, but it is worn with false hopes...the ones I wake up to every morning. Though every night, when the dreams are over, and the nightmares begin, reality relishes in slicing my heart to pieces.  Like a splinter under skin, so is my grief within.  The self pity continues, I wallow in its filth. I have no right to let it go on, but I feel I must, I feel I shouldn't dare think of anything otherwise. My mind has its ideas and knows nothing more.  It goes by what life has told it and what the world has shown it.  My heart knows the truth even if the surface may not reveal the battle raging on, and hopelessness is winning.  The pathetic hopes I've set my sights on crush me when all they turn out to be are bitter tears.

I Shouldn't Dare

I shouldn't have these thoughts, these dreams, the midnight screams, they tear right through me, and the whispers of tomorrow tickle my skin with the breath of destruction, corrupting my soul, revealing all the ugliness buried beneath the placid mask I bear, I shouldn't dare.  Time moves on without me, and I let it, why should I care that I'm just existing now? Living is ideal, the fantasy I was born for, but cannot reach.  My soul cries out for hope, for a chance to make my existence something more, but my mind knows life's not fair. I shouldn't dare. 

Days

My days are numbered, I feel like wishing them away, I want to skip this part of life, I'm bored of it now...I see myself going nowhere, I hate being stuck in the middle of nothing, being helpless.  I need to move, I need to escape this lethargic state I have created for myself, or maybe just face it... I'm stuck in my  dream world and I want out now...I need truth, that will set me free, for now I'll wish my life away trying to live how I think I should, while in actuality I am straying further than ever from the life I was meant to live. Pretty soon I'm going to panic, these day are closing in around me and there's nothing I can do.

Contentment

As I look up at the midnight sky, and watch grey cloudy forms float by, I stare in wonder at the sight, at the glowing sphere of night.  As the wind soars all around, as I sit upon the ground, I am awakened to the world by a melody.  My eyes have opened and I slow down to view the beauty I took for granted, realizing it won't last forever, nor will I.  The pavement is cold where I sit and gaze at everything around me, and the air is sweetly chilled. A few brave stars shine brilliantly, sadly I can number them in my head. Strangely, the only cloudless patch is right above me, like a window encouraging me to look beyond the world, above the clouds, into the very soul of the universe.  It beckons me to follow, and soon I will, but for now gravity forces me to cling to the crust of the earth. My heart is uplifted as crickets play their joyous symphony, harmonizing with one another, though fields apart.  The wind whispers its comforts through the leaves and the chimes on a distant porch.  For now the world is peace, a quiet melody embracing me, imbuing me with hope, with a certain ambition. I will no longer waste a day of my existence, I will live these moments to their fullest, I will make my memories worth remembering, and I will hold in overabundance the satisfaction of a life well lived. 

Don't Give Them A Reason To Blame You

A painted smile plastered over a broken soul, hold back the tears, don't shed them now, they'll see.  Do not lash out, keep your temper steady, slow your racing heart. They know not what they do, don't give them a reason to blame you.  Their actions cause you pain, don't let them know pretend you're fine, you'll survive.  Shake the hand.  Say the right words.  Don't let your voice give way to the maelstrom of emotions tearing at your insides.  Don't look them in the eye, they may find you're pretending. Don't give them an excuse to pardon their lying tongues, their dying words that flatter and appease, and their superficial thoughts.  Give them what they want.  Surrender to their will.  Satisfy their starving hearts.  Cause you know better, you'll get through this.  Stay inside yourself, maybe someday you can expose who you truly are underneath, but for now a simple shell of humanity will suffice.  It's good enough for those who don't look too closely.  A select few may notice the paint is chipped and there are cracks ever so slighty marring the exterior you have worn too often.  Is being blameless worth it after all?

Fairy For Now(Crappy and Gay but Fun to Write)

With outstretched wings I soar above

My patient heart is filled with love

In my smile there's joy I hold

Its worth far more than coins of gold

Alone I dance on one small cloud

The wind, it sings my name out loud

I also sing in harmony

To the most perfect melody

The sky is clear, the stars are bright

The moon is out, and full tonight

I'm waiting for the one to come

But there's no rush, time stops for some

So here I dance among the stars

And soar over streets, homes, and cars

Sometimes when patience wears too thin

I think that I could never win

It seems to me he won't come ever

My time up here will last forever

But hope then whispers in my ear

Not to worry, never fear

He'll come one day to fold my wings

For they'll be unnecessary things

Slowly I'll sink down to earth

Where we will share our joy and mirth

No longer will I be a fairy

I'll be the one he came to marry

I Need To Find You

Where are you?

You are driving me crazy

I need to find you

Who are you?

You're making me dizzy

I need to find you

You are everywhere but I can't see you

You were meant for me but I don't know you

Someday you will show your face to me

Please, I need you to be

Please come soon, come find me

It's so tiring...all this hoping and praying

I am reaching...can you feel me?

Without you life's discouraging

and it could be so amazing

if only I could find you

I'll keep searching the stars for your name

This Year is not the Same without You (to all the friends I miss)

These steps you take

In this lifetime

Will always change

And I count mine

The first step we met

The second one we're friends

The third you've gone away

While I'm here to stay…and

All I can do is breathe

As I watch you leave

All I can do is breathe

I'll never forget

All those car rides

Where we'd drive and we'd drive

With no where in mind

We'd wind up somewhere

Exactly where we didn't care

We'd always find

Some way to have a good time…and

All I can do is breathe

As I watch you leave

I'm not moving

In this body

All I can do is breathe

All those inside jokes

We came up with

Come flooding back to me

I can't get a grip

Of the fact that I'm no longer in your life

And we'll no longer laugh when it's late at night

And all I can say is

I miss you every day…and

All I can do is breathe

As I watch you leave

I'm not moving

In this body

All I can do is breathe

In the Past

I let him consume me

Run over every thought

Idle moments spent

Picturing his face and

Hurting from his ignorance

Craving only to be close

To possess what was

Whatever it was

Now there's a distance

A waning moon in the night

My tears ripple below me the stars above

As I gaze down at the heaven's shore

The solitude both soothing and dangerous

My restless mind inbued with questions

Screaming silently their askings

Why do I care for a soul

Who no longer finds worth in my own?

What have I done? What am I doing?

My heart knows the answer

Reluctantly I admit what I've known all along

As seasons turn from one to the next

His spring turned to summer

And my autumn turned cold